I woke up this morning with a sheet of paper covering my face. This is what was written on it:
Ha. ha, ha you bald Fucker,
Instructions for shopping. Leave the house with ridiculously bald head covered by a woolly hat, take the car to Sainsbury’s (don't wanna risk being spotted by someone you know walking about with a head like that, do ya now fuck face).
On arrival look for signs for the car park and follow them, keeping your dome head down.
Stop the car in a parking space. (Note: make sure the parking space is empty before entering it). Stop the engine, get out of the vehicle, close the door and lock it, don’t want the car getting nicked like before, do we?
Walk over to the trolley bay, rummage around in your wallet for a pound coin. Place the coin in the appropriate slot on the trolley and pull to separate making sure your woolly hat is still hiding that shiny stupid fucking egg of a head.
Push the trolley to the lifts.
Call a lift, not vocally but using one of the buttons provided. If a lift is not forthcoming, strap the trolley to your back and walk down the stairs instead.
Once inside the shop, exit the lift/unstrap the trolley from your back and begin to roam the shop searching out and placing every single one of the items I’ve listed below in the trolley as quickly as possible.
Failure to do so will result in a harsh self-flagellation and banishment forever from my own inner social circle.
You must also demonstrate the ability to mind read, picking up any items I have not listed below but that I really need. Condoms. Do they sell those at Sainsbury’s? Please advise. It’s a tricky one to gauge. Bide your tongue and hold your time, my man, until you’re absolutely sure on your answer. Couldn’t imagine anything worse than you deciding to go for it, choosing an appropriate moment, looking into my deep blue eyes and saying, “Yes, me, Sainsbury’s do sell condoms.”
If you were wrong, by god, I’d be forced to shoot me myself. I’d pump me so full of lead, I’d leak if I so much as swallowed my own spit.
Ooohh...I want to watch a pig film.
